ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
