Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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