so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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