You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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