I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
