my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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