My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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