I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
