You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
