Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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