Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just threw up on my dentist
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
