Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
