May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Drake has all the answers
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
