He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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