I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
