Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
