i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
