How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
