Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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