I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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