Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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