Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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