Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
You left your phone here
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