Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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