Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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