dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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