I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I smell stomach acid.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
