i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
