my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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