she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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