I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
dude i'm inner monologue high
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Randomize
