in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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