Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
