Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
