tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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