I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
