When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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