I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
