Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
