Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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