so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
