Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
