Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
