hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
