I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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