i will never coherently bang her
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Randomize