It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
