My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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