i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
