I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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