My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
